I blinked and I forgot who I am.

I do that way too often. But I blink and I wake up.

I did a similar thing, oh gosh, it's a few years ago at this point, listening to Ambient 3: Day of Radiance by Laraaji and Brian Eno, typing an email to my old friend Sean detailing how I was awakening again. I'd go back and read it but I was so in love with him that all my emails sound so corny to me now.

The one I have the most fondness for is one I wrote my first semester of college, before I met Ameen and had my heart crushed in the most awful way. I had stayed up to work on a paper but I ended up reading about and listening to the Voyager Record and crying a ton. It was around the time I was a little obsessed with videos of people performing zäuerli yodels on YouTube and not really knowing what to do with myself as a college student. I get very nostalgic for this time period; a time before some kind of fall from grace (la chute d'Icare).

Trevor and I had a strange argument tonight after I got home. I was a little harsh about him buying some Delta-8 gummies and made him feel stupid without meaning to, and he couldn't calm down after that. We went back and forth for a little bit with me apologizing and him also apologizing but still getting quite worried about how I was feeling and assuming different things, so I got into bed and spent some time with my eyes closed until I heard him crying in the kitchen. When I went up to him he collapsed into my arms and started apologizing profusely, so I took him with me into bed and just held him and reassured him until he calmed down.

When we got to talking again and I could actually apologize while he was in a mood to hear it, I could feel him getting worried about how I was feeling again, assuming I was annoyed or upset still despite the fact that I didn't feel that way and kept telling him that I didn't. I said something about being anxious and I guess it clicked for him that this is what anxiety is. He talked about Levi and said that we've moved so far past any intimacy he experienced with him, but the way that relationship ended has him so, so worried about fucking up his with me.

Oh, my sweet boy, as if he could truly fuck this up.

I don't want him to worry like that. I am not doing well myself with the winter creeping up and the days getting so short, but on G-d we're gonna work to make sure he feels secure.

I'm really not feeling all that well, though. Lot's of apathy, besides the anger and general irritation I've been experiencing for the past few weeks. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like a nuisance. Work has been going very well, at least, but all this energy I thought I'd have from being in a much cushier position has been drained by this waxing depressive episode. I made it halfway through A Billion Black Anthropocenes or None before losing steam and more or less abandoning it. I tried the Routledge's guide to Baudrillard and lost interest in that too. Music isn't doing much for me, and I'm not sure what to do next.

I've been trying to find someone to prescribe me mirtazapine, and I hope I can find someone soon. I have a virtual appointment with a psychiatric nurse of some sort in two weeks based off of a recommendation from my therapist, but it feels so very far away.

It snowed Thursday, at least, for most of the morning. It didn't stick anywhere at lower elevations I guess but in the Foothills and especially on the Snowy Range it blessed the mountainsides. I felt pretty good yesterday with the snow, and this morning was nice and crisp.

My memory is beginning to suffer a little bit, though, despite not smoking weed at all for the last couple of weeks, so that's even more confirmation of this depressive episode. I gotta commit to write more so I don't lose time like I've done the last couple of years.

I want to write more in general. I can't believe that I haven't produced a single poem that I've liked since like, August 2020. The last good one was when I was seeing that boy Ethan and that other man, really, Aaron, both before Trevor and I were serious. I do wonder where they are now, like anyone I've had feelings for.

I remembered recently this boy who told me he was in love with me over Skype when I was 15 and he was 19. I don't remember his first name but his last name was Lang. I know I have his first name in a diary somewhere (I think it was David). Last I heard from him was maybe January 2014 and he was dating someone a lot more age appropriate. He had a YouTube account where he played Minecraft with a friend that I watched a lot in 2012 and then the next year we were talking for some reason. He lived in Washington, Seattle maybe? I can't believe I don't remember this too well. I hope he's okay, wherever he is.

I hope Trevor's okay. I hope I'm okay. I talked with Ciel on the phone last Thursday for almost 5 hours consecutively and told them some secrets about myself I've only ever told Trevor and my therapist, and they were so unbelievably supportive that I cried that night. I miss them so much. I miss myself a lot, too. I gotta figure out who I am now, I guess.