I can't believe I sort of like Frasier

5 September 2022

I've had the last two days to myself. It feels like it's only been a few hours.

Trevor has been in San Francisco being dragged along by his friends.

I've been at home smoking (((we'd))) and drinking coffee and fucking around with things I don't normally get to do when I am home with Trevor. Fear of noise intrusion by my upstairs neighbors prevented me from doing a lot of things I wanted to do, and I'm a little disappointed in myself for that, but hearing their footsteps or voices makes me feel paranoid. I really dislike this apartment sometimes.

I played Only If for a bit, just enough to be confused and intrigued by it. I haven't heard great reviews though. I also started reading Homestuck for the first time ever.

Friday night was the best night of the weekend. I got home, ate dinner, and then slept for about four hours to make up for waking up at 5:30 to help Trevor to the airport that morning. I managed to stay up until 3 am, and I listen to Everyone Everywhere (2012) on the record player since Trevor fixed the turning speed. I watched little videos on YouTube, and 50 minutes of The Divorce of Lady X (1938) on Criterion Channel before getting bored of Laurence Olivier.

I just feel a little lost when Trevor isn't home for this long; I feel lonely and I'm not quite sure how to fill the apartment on my own.

But I am learning more about myself now each time I do have time like this. It's been over two years since the pandemic started and I moved here, and a lot about my habits have changed. I keep trying to recreate the way in which I used to spend with myself in high school and in college, but I am a different person now, in a different time and a different place, and I don't want to let previous versions of myself prevent me from living who I am now.

Oh, but I should have written in my diary. Maybe that's also something I need to let go of for a bit, but I've kept a diary since 6th grade, it's kinda hard. I just don't have the urge to write like I used to, I don't experience the same drives, I don't think.

But this new job feels different. Just the couple of days I've done feel light years from where I was with the Psych Department. Maybe I won't feel the same fatigue. Maybe I can start bringing my diary with me to work and write in it on the way home if I take the Flatiron Flyer. Maybe I'll feel more like doing things like this (this Gemlog) and playing games and listening to music when I get home. That partly involves work, but also setting more boundaries with Trevor about what I/we do when we are home together at the end of the day. I'm hoping for more parallel play-type scenarios, since he only ever seems to want to be watching something. Maybe I'll just start sleeping for a couple of hours when I get home, that seemed to help my motivation Friday.

I dunno! I dunno! I dunnnnno! But I have less than 9 hours before I have to pick him up, and I gotta read some papers for work.