Trying and seeing

30 August 2022

I learned last night that the land upon which San Francisco lies used to be covered in an old growth redwood forest.

(Sincere thank you to a pair of users here who inspired me to start here.)

Last weekend, I went on a short backpacking excursion in the San Juan mountains, north of Durango, and saw parts of the Western Slope for the first time. I keep approaching the land here as if it is pristine and untouched, forgetting that even public land sometimes used to be privately owned, so I saw the scars of the mining industry on the sides of the mountains and in the water running down them. Can't seem to escape history, even in a land as large and grand as this.

I am starting a new job in a couple of days, 1 September. The lack of thought I've put towards it over these two and a half weeks I've been waiting to start is a little alarming, but it feels as if I have almost been shedding my previous position with the University. I will be doing similar things in a similar environment, but with hopefully better people and better management. I kinda sorta really need this one to stick, at least for a few years, just in case.

I've not been quite sure what to do with myself. I've had more time with my laptop, exploring the web revival in its different aspects and trying to understand this community more. I'm not totally sure what I'm searching for- a way out, most likely.

My middle school math teacher committed suicide recently. She worked with my mom for many years, and I believe they were friends. After her second line in New Orleans, I talked with my mom a little more about her, and my mom said she was a "feeler" and took a lot of the world's problems very deeply into herself, and that's likely part of why she decided to leave this world. I didn't want to tell my mom how much I related to that, but it made me reconsider how events outside of my control have been so severely impacting my mood and my ability to cope with daily tasks. I've been numbing myself for two years now, trying to get through shitty situations either personally or professionally, or on much larger scales than I can effect change. I'd like to wake up again, engage with things like music and books more deeply again, fight through some of the passivity with which I go through most of my days. I don't know how many years are left, but I'd like to at least be aware of my passage through them, and create a space of love and exploration with my partner.

We bought a couch recently, as well. It came in yesterday, and I have been quite pleased with it. It's our largest purchase jointly since we've been an us. He seemed very pleased with that fact.

I want to be better for him, mostly- more than I want to be better for myself. I think that's okay for right now.

qué disgracia